take me away

the library

Tue, 20 Jan 2009 14:23:23 GMT

the silence was comforting and i felt so safe.
when outside the brutal indifferance of the night creeps.
i was for a long time a woman who endured the human condition without being conscious of it, like others who endure an illness of which they are unaware.
i longed for human contact.

the sounds from the ipod cradle us, tuck in the corner, lost in the songs.
our thoughts.
our worries dissipates.
and we kiss like a whisper. giggling like kids telling secrets.
and we let it linger. we'll let it linger.

when we parted i smiled at you.
and you kissed me goodbye in the public.
the first real kiss. our first real kiss at a bus stop.
in a sort of no man's land in front of anonymous beings.

bye now. you said.
'Go.'

and i went feeling new.

and i never been happier.
i never been happier.

lyrics

Sun, 11 Jan 2009 09:46:52 GMT

you know those songs that you hear and the lyrics just jumped at you?
and you thought, hey i feel EXACTLY like that.

i have a few moments that went like that, cheesy love songs and what not.
but you know what? recently i hadnt been feeling anything. and thats weird.
cause for me it was always this guy, that guy.
there was never time to sing a song and pick a lyric for ME.

for the first time, my life has no drama.
for the first time, i wake up everyday doing something normal.
no dramas.

and you know what, i like it like this.
you wont find me around for awhile.

daniel

Sun, 04 Jan 2009 12:48:21 GMT

daniel drives me insane sometimes.
yesterday while i was taking ice cubes out of the fridge i saw an action figure!

when i asked what it was doing there, he said he's 'freezing' the villian cause apparently he's Pyro. You know the X-men character with fire power or what not.
and oh! i heard x-men 4 is going to hit the cinema this year! yay!

psst, there's gonna be GAMBIT! oh my good lord.
told ya. awesome already this year.

and to ikay. im sorry bro. lost my handphone recently. i'll text you my new number soon ok?
hugs hugs. i miss you too.

2009

Sat, 03 Jan 2009 13:38:30 GMT

Happy New Year.
awesome awesome. :)

somehow i just know it.

nothingness

Thu, 02 Oct 2008 17:09:28 GMT

yesterday was so carefree. dancing like nobody gave a fuck.
partying till morning and making new friends.
enjoying my youth, soaking in the love.
yesterday, feels so long ago.

today i woke up with a suffocating breadth.
like a concrete brick slam in my chest.
the weight, the pain, the suffering.
i cannot breathe. i cannot make a sound.
but it was me who walked past the danger signs.
bright yellow, i ignored.
just walked right through it. through the "AWAS!" signs.
i knew but still i walked.

would you tell me to my face what a foolish girl i was?
i bet you're dying to laugh at my pain.
laugh in my face because you told me so. because you knew this was going to happen.

i didnt.
i didnt know it would be this bad.

tomorrow seem so far away. i wish i could stop replaying TODAY everyday.
with every sleep that come by, i still feel every velocity of each jolt of pain.
seizing my body and all my strength. as i fall into seizure and down the pit of today's nightmare.
i cant erase today just like yesterday. i hope you still love me like always.
i hope you forgive me.

this hands are so tainted with guilt, stained with over-used tears.
my tears are nothingness. im so ashamed.
i want to cover my face but my hands are dirty as well.
stop replaying.

let me wake up to tomorrow please.

iphones and kisses

Mon, 01 Sep 2008 07:41:32 GMT

tick tock. tick tock. every second slowed down to miliseconds when I'm with you. your raspy breadth across my skin, your lingering fragrance of gucci rush on the pillow where you lie next to me. I miss you. Even though you're beside me. Even though you're every part of me. My skin. My smell. My thoughts. You're in everywhere i wanna be baby. My life is a mess without you in it. My goals, my dreams, all my wishes they mean nothing without you in it. My life I have now is nothing. Without you beside me. We'll grow old and see the world. We'll still make love with the same passion and warmth 30 years later when I'm all old n wrinkled. I love you. And even I love you is an understatement. Happy anniversary kolin. You always be my baby. And every part of me.

whirlwind romances

Mon, 07 Jul 2008 07:13:38 GMT

one week in koh pha ngan. A-fuck-bsolute-ING-y GEREK MAN.
it felt like i was in another place. another dimension. another time.
another universe altogether.

rows and rows of white flesh agaisnt the beige sandy beaches and clear blue water.
i felt like me and vin belong to a community of worry-free people. a community of party people.
i can walk topless and no on will stare at my chest.
i can swim naked at night in undies and another girl will join me.
i can dance all crazy and just jump onto some white dude, kissing his face and all he will say or do is high-five me and say 'awesome'.
i can hold vin's hands under the starlite skies like lovestruck couple and no one will mistake him as my boyfriend.
the freedom. the liberation that we have for that week in thailand.

money can definitely not buy.

the view, is omg amazing. so free. the vast spaces. the different people. from my yoga guru, theresa. to the painter who dorns his hut with canvas oil painting of bob marley. heh.
one love my friend.
the dinner me and vin had. awesome tom yum and phad thai while watching 'american history X' on a flat screen teevee with amazing sound system.
a totally perfect night every night.
i didnt thought about anything.
the tears. the heartaches. the worries of the past. the anxiety of the future. schools. no one.

it was near perfect.
but being so far away from the people i love makes it abit hard.
i'm so used to having the people i love around me that its hard to not think about them even when i'm partying like crazy crazy.
i fucking miss you guys.

the minute before i fell asleep every night is the bestest.
the stillness in the air as i cradle into a dreamless sleep every single fucking night.
no thoughts. no thinking. no dried tears staining my faces. no heartaches.
just nothing.
stillness that you can only get in koh pha ngan.

vin will put up the pics soon. keep you guys posted.
all my love.
and ps: happy birthday bro. i hope you enjoyed the week in thailand as much as i did.
i wouldnt have trade anything to be there with you.
i fucking love you.
20 would be a bitch so enjoy it before you have to slave yourself to be a goverment dog fuck. haha.
love ya yes? ok go.

please remember me

Fri, 27 Jun 2008 09:12:29 GMT

sometimes time just slipped away and we leave behind the life we had once together.
though we go our seperate ways, i won't forget, never forget the memories that we share.
please remember me.
Goodbye, there's just no sadder word to say
And it's sad to walk away
With just the memories
Who's to know what might have been
We'll leave behind a life and time
We'll never know again
And how we laugh and how we smile
And how this world was yours and mine
And how no dream was out of reach
I stood by you, you stood by me
We took each day and made it shine
We wrote our names across the sky
We ride so fast, we ride so free
And I had you and you had me

Please remember, Please remember

baby the nights are the hardest to get by. the hardest.
thinking back will always make me cry.
i love you so very much. forever and today.

and i guess people hold on to memories cause its the only thing that won't change even if everything else does. everything.

torturing

Mon, 16 Jun 2008 21:43:37 GMT

i dont know why im like this seriously.

it still doesnt feel okay.
nothing does.

it doesnt feel okay.

i miss you. i really really miss you.

falling asleep tonight.

Mon, 09 Jun 2008 20:57:41 GMT

And I don't fear the monsters under my bed anymore
Because the real world scares me now
I used to be able to hug my teddybear
And everything would be ok,
And mummy would kiss it all away.

That wont make it alright now will it?

I can close my eyes to things i don't want to see, but honestly i can't close my heart to the things i don't want to have to feel

I don’t wanna go to sleep.

Because it so comforting and safe there,

im afraid I never wake up again.

save me the heartache.

Sun, 08 Jun 2008 18:58:33 GMT

loving me is easy cause im beautiful right?
on top of being able to connect with you intellectually.
i understand your soul.i feel your emotions.
i tear when you talk about somebody close to you.
and cry because i didnt get a chance to meet them. they so special.
be it your ex-girlfriend. your late grandpa. your late dad.
i wish i had known them personally.

i surprise you everyday.
im independent. im strong.
but yet when im with you, i fall into your arms.
i cry into your shoulders. staring into your eyes. daring you to never let me go.
you took the words right out of my mouth. you sweep me off my feet.
you took my heart away in a heartbeat. even before my own heart could beat.
you touch me in ways i have never felt before.
you tell me im beautiful.

yet you know from the first time you fall for me. you knew you cant be the guy of my dreams. you always think you're never good enough for me. you always think a right guy would come along and i just havent found him.

but you're wrong. i found you. i picked you among all the others.
i added you first. on myspace. on facebook.
i asked for your number. i made the first move.
so dont tell me you're not deserving of my love. dont tell me you're not the one.
don't tell me you dont want any chances from me. don't tell me you can't make me happy.

i am happy. when im with you.

its easy to fall in love with me at first sight right?
its easy to love me with all your heart cause im beautiful.

but it wasnt easy for me. you had to prove to me my love.
you had to show me you're worth it.
you have to go the distance. and when i whisper in your ears that i love you. i really do.

you slap me back with mockery. telling me u dont deserve me?
then why did you try so hard to make me love you?

if you knew, why oh why my love didnt you save me the heartache?
why didnt you save me the tears?

why my love?

the reality of loving

Fri, 06 Jun 2008 11:45:50 GMT

for every single time i fall in love, i need to be in a relationship. i need to go out on dates. i need to follow the norm. i need to set a time and maybe a day for just US time. or go out for dinner and spent some alone couple time.
then i dont wanna fall in love.

i love alot of people yes. but i do have to sacrifice alot too for the love. because by saying those words, i made a vow that i will love you. through your shittest downs and your fucking highs.
i will party together with you.
i will cry together with you.
i will cover your lie.
i will keep your every secrets.
i will dream together with you.
i will spent night outs with you by reservoir.
i too will take the train to tamp for you if you think you need me by your side.
and you will always be my priority.

if in any way to anyone out there that i have said 'i love yous' and did not did all the above mentioned or maybe you feel like i havent exactly done enough and you just cant take me loving you like that. that text me. i wont give you false hopes. i wouldnt wanna be the one to break any hearts at all. because i didnt intent on hurting you when i really meant to love you. please forgive me.

in your eyes.
i cant love you the way you WANT me to love you. but while i dry my eyes typing this entry, please dont think i love you any lesser than the other.

im sorry i cant make you feel special like how i did to some other people.
but i have my whole lifetime to love you. and maybe one day i will do it right.

failures

Wed, 23 Apr 2008 12:22:07 GMT

ha.

if we measure failure in this. my mom is then.

that isolated eastern part of singapore

Sun, 20 Apr 2008 16:59:08 GMT

of tiger beers and soto ayam.

of cheap thrills and swimming pool.

of cramped beds and snoring friends.

of gay jokes and 'brotherly' kisses.

of mailbu and cleaning up.

of SUPER friends and good love.

THANK YOU. for making 20 a graceful age to be.

i hope i had been the best kind of friend to you as you had been for me. lines get repeated. records get broken but i hope whenever i say this, you guys will feel what i mean. I LOVE YOU. from the bottom of my heart.

you have all of me. and i appreciate everything that you gave me and your presence in my life.

cheers to fate and for having faith!

you guys are my wonderwall.

Daniel - the beautiful masterpiece

Thu, 10 Apr 2008 13:11:38 GMT

your eyes flutter as you fall asleep on my lap. the gentle heavy breathing as your face creases, you are deep in your sleep. i imagined what you would feel. i imagined what you were dreaming. your back turned and your face, with moist lips slightly parted snuggled in my lap. the morning sun shine upon your face as i slowly scrutinize every inch, every arch of your achingly beautiful face. your beautiful face even with the crooked teeth. and the twisted eyes. beautiful in every single way. you sobbed from the nightmare but i didnt wake you up. i curled your hair on my fingertips, and stroke you gently back to sleep. and let you dream. and let you sleep. before you wake up to harsh reality.

i dont want you to see the ugly side of life. i want to hold your hand till ure 18. walk with you in every path. i want to punch all the kids faces who poked fun at you because you talked funny. because you were different. i want you to be okay in your own skin. that society's opinion are always ruthless and that you will always be grey among white and black. maybe at your time it would be easier. maybe at your age, they would better understand. then maybe you can sleep better and not conform to labels. that you will always be happy no matter where you are and who you're with.

maybe. but until that day i will sit here. smiling at your every achievements. and one day when you dont need me anymore, cause you're big and you can make your own decisions. you wanna do this, you wanna do that and i cant tell you not to. i will hugged you with my single tear. i will always forever be here Daniel. because i am forever your Sister.

Love you. <3

some days

Thu, 31 Jan 2008 06:58:34 GMT

I drove you to your house where we stared up at the stars
I listened to your heartbeat as I held you in my arms.

We hung out at the rainbow where we drank til' half past two.
Nothing could go wrong anytime that I'm with you. -The Ataris

i miss those High School puppy love. :)

Sat, 01 Sep 2007 16:04:54 GMT

it feels terrible now.
to be chasing after a dream that seem so distant and far away.

like catching air with your hands and grasping tightly.. nothing.
nothing at all.
it is yours if only you can hold on to it. if only you have the gadgets. the tools to make it last.

why oh why do i want it?

and how i wonder why those i can hold on to, i shrugged away.
i just wish theres more to this than what i hope it could be.

sighs.

like a mug of ice cold beer

Tue, 28 Aug 2007 06:11:03 GMT

love is like beer.

sweet at the beginning and bitter and painfully hard to swallow at the end.

haa.

dont go. not yet. this is just starting to work.

Wed, 06 Jun 2007 16:36:54 GMT

To IKAY

i actually plan to write many things down but words fail me.
i dont know how you came into my life but it was the most craziest insane moment and i never regret it.
it was weird how we came about knowing each other but im glad you let me in into your life bro.
thank you.

and im here. and i will try to be.
im gonna irritate you and drive you silly and dragged you along to crazy places and go "phunking" with mummy and we will visit silver tortoise together. and you will dance dangdut. and you will get invited to chalets infested with Minahs n Mats. and mix my cheerleading song when I GO TO uni and join NTU Aces. hahaha.
im gonna miss you. and you have been with me DURING my craziest life-changing moments.
and i hope you will still be.

and i promise not to tattoo my whole face or arm when you in camp.
and to always use protection!!

be safe bro. come back safe. take care.

huggs. huggs.
damn. i hope i dont tear. haha

i love you. :)

Sat, 26 May 2007 02:40:00 GMT

i wish things was much more simpler.

mummy said to me "i will never give up on you and i dont ever want you to think that your religion is an obligation to you. yes you are born into it and yes you break my heart because you choose not to follow it but i will always love you and i am here if you need me even when you think you can decide for yourself."

i dont know if i should laugh or cry.

SORRY.

Tue, 22 May 2007 04:46:08 GMT

stoned.

i am stoned.
on life, circumstances, incidents etc. blah blah blah.
that makes 5 days as of today that i stayed out. 5 days since i slept on my bed at night. 5 days since i had a family dinner.

how do i tell her that my actions are not a rebel against her? how do i tell her that i love her and that whatever happen it is my path, my decision, my choice? and the lifestyle i wanna lead after this?
im moving out.

i cant bear seeing her loving me less. i cant bear the look in her eyes telling me that i've disappoint her. that i have failed her.
how can i tell her that the belief she impart on to me is not what i choose to follow.

that are consequences to it and i am ready to face it. i miss you so badly. i wish you didnt had to know this soon.

please dont stop loving me any lesser..

TO DPS:
im sorry. i am.
and this i am sincere and genuine. im sorry that i make things this BAD and i apologise for being a bitch.
it didnt had to turn out this way. i could have make it better. i didnt cause talking takes too much effort. i really didnt know i was overwhelming.
and i wish you had tell me before it gotten this fucked. i realize my mistake and you guys make me wanna be a better friend the next time i formed a friendship. if ever i look back in my life, i will always remember you guys and put you in my top list of the GREAT friends i ever had come across in life.

mel-congrats on winning individual champs! you dont know how proud i feel when you went up on the podium.
aly-please take care of the sprain. haha. ROC president for life.
ferx-you make hardcore pretty. :)
nadya-i miss slow motion talks with you. touch rugby is <3
aina-thats nothing i could say but SORRY. thank you for putting up with my tantrums. you are one person in my life that i dont ever regret knowing. be happy and contented. always.
char-words failed me. smiles & sighs*

MUCH LOVE,
Ashila Hassan.

No Hardcore Dancing At The Disco

Mon, 07 May 2007 18:15:56 GMT

An exciting Saturday.
Josh's bdae-hangout with 05a1 classmate and people I wont usually do under everyday circumstances. Met ex-o5a1-ners. Fun. And dirty classic Pink jokes. :)
Victoria Theater-Hudah was awesome. The dance was orgasmic and Fatah was such a dear. Love it! FT is <33. And his eyes illuminate the dark skies at Boat Quay. bahh! :)))
DXO-Eril paid for tix. Such a super super nice dude. Bumped into Dzaf and Fad and some other guys whom I dont know. hoho. Had a ball of time dancing like retards in circle and attracting unwanted attention. LOL. Fuck conformity bitches! Hardcore dancing to trance and hiphop rocks. Laugh till I peed in my pants. Truly enjoyable despite the sucky DJ. :))

Change is good. But change is difficult. Adjusting takes time. Adapting requires effort.

and i was there when you cried. when he hurt you bad. and hugged you tight and promised you that tomorrow would be fine. and hold your hand and let you sleep on my lap and get angry and promised to plan a bloody revenge. and we laughed at funny sights and talked through the night. and you lie on my bed talking about breakups and cried. breakups and cried. breakups and cried. breakups and cried. breaukups and cried.
breakup and cry.
i have no more tears to lullaby me to sleep.

insomnia sucks. im a perfectly normal teen who sleeps at 11pm on a weekday. my mind is drained from 2 history essays, an economic DRQ and a 6page lit analysis on Paper 1. my body system has slowed down and recovering from the 3km run and 200 crunches/sit-ups i did just now.
im tired. but i cant get to sleep. somethings bothering me and i dont know what.

Which band member you should date?

Sat, 14 Apr 2007 17:51:14 GMT

Onstage, drummers usually have to stay in one place and keep the beat going. Off stage, they're far less predictable. Drummers are known for being wild partiers, but you seem like the kind of person who'd have no trouble keeping up. Drummers sometimes wear very little clothing (guy drummers may even go shirtless), but you have no objections to their casual, sexy style! No matter how old the drummer is compared to the rest of the band, he/she tends to act like a playful little kid. The stereotypical drummer isn't concerned with looking like a brilliant intellectual in interviews, because it's more fun to joke around than it is to take the questions seriously. When you hear that a band is recording with a drum machine instead of a real person, you feel like they're missing the whole point of rock 'n' roll. Real drummers are passionate and a little bit wild, and no machine could ever take their place in your heart.

haha. and i think you guys know why i find this fucking hilarious.

http://www.the-n.com/games/quiz_main.php
come on take this quiz!
i wanna know which band member you're destined to be with.

lets not get carried away.

Fri, 06 Apr 2007 18:46:58 GMT

Maybe the hardest part of this all is seeing you so happy.
Smiling and laughing, like it did not affect you in any manner.
My brains scatter and regroup, and scatter once again while I try to find that emotion in me to describe how I feel whenever i think about you.
I think about you. I think about you alot..
And I don't want to be reminded of you.
Your smell, your laugh, the way you shake. Even down to your underwear.

But somehow no matter how I try, you appear right back in my thoughts.
Even when I try hard, you just wont leave my thoughts alone.

Saying goodbye wasn't hard at all. Its missing you that hurts me the most.